Is it God’s will for you to marry?
Married people, not all, but some, especially those who have been married so long they really don’t remember what it is like not to be married, occasionally say things to those of us who are not yet married that cause me to cringe. At times I feel like a cartoon character with steam erupting out of my ears, because inside I just want to scream, but I know they simply cannot relate to my situation, and they are trying to say the “right” thing. I remember to breathe, and see that their hearts and intentions are good, and my irritation is so my issue, and not about them, but you may be able to relate.
“Are you married?”
I reply, “not yet!”
“WHY not? Oh… you aren’t into THAT?”
or, “You don’t like men?” (oh yes really, it has been said to me more than once!)
or the classic, “You are just too picky!”
One of the other careless things I hear spoken often is, “Well, no wonder so-and-so is not married, they are so ________ “ fill in the blank with the various criticisms shot at the people with aching hearts, longing to be married. Do the opinions and judgements help? No. Careless words are abrasive on the hearts that are already worn down.
One bright spring day, I was having coffee with a dear pastor friend, and I shared with him that I had been praying for marriages - for God to bring people together who are meant to be married. This is a man I consider a hero, and we have been friends for many years.... and he has been married for most of his life. He smiled a smirky smile, and said,
“Well that’s nice, but maybe it’s not God’s will for you to be married. Have you prayed about it, and asked God?”
Do you feel it? yes, my jaw began to tighten to prevent my mouth from opening with a terse response, which I know is not a “Christian” way to feel. His words stunned me, I thought he knew me, and was on my side, hoping with me for the marriage of my dreams. When someone questions the desires God has passionately put on our hearts, doesn’t it sound just like the serpent in Genesis speaking to Eve, “Did God really say?…”
Those are the words that began the erosion of marriage! Doubting God's goodness, and not believing in His plan.
I remember the first time someone suggested that I pray and ask God if marriage was in my future, and I sincerely spent time seeking God to discern His will for me regarding marriage. However, though I sincerely asked God, and was open to an answer contrary to the desires of my heart, it became more of a religious exercise, something Christian singles need to DO.
God’s answer in my heart came quickly....
The flippant words come from people who really do love and care about us. They are trying to protect us from further disappointment, so they decide not to believe marriage is possible for us.
It is safer not to believe. There is less risk of disappointment - for them as well as for us.
“Is it God’s will that you marry?” is a belief system that pervades the church, and could it be holding people back from meeting their marriage partner? It is not the people who speak the words that pierce like arrows, it is the lies in the words that they are speaking. It has been a Christian thing - if you have the desire to get married, and you have not met the right person, you really should pray for a long time about it, and make sure it’s God’s will for you to marry. I do not see any examples of that practice in the bible, and I do not know of any scriptures that instruct an unmarried person to pray for a long time because only some are chosen for marriage. Oh yeah, there is Paul’s endorsement of singleness, but he makes it clear that he is giving his personal opinion, not speaking a commandment from God. “But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.” (1 Cor 7:6)
Paul tells us in his letter to the Corinthians, that it is good to be single and celibate, because you can serve God with fewer distractions, and he also says that if you burn with passion, then get married! (1 Corinthians 7:8-9) He doesn’t even suggest praying about the idea.
Is marriage God’s perfect will for everyone? Maybe. I certainly do not have the answer to that question, but I might be one of the few who will say, I believe it was God’s before-the-fall, perfect design for male and female.
You have a choice to believe that marriage is God’s best will for most or all of His people. I believe that marriage (do I really need to say “between a man and a woman”?) is the image of God. Male and female, united as one. I believe there is incredible supernatural power when a man and his wife agree in prayer, and it is a power that is underutilized and not understood. If the union was not powerful, the enemy would not be working so hard to break up Christian marriages. It was a revelation to me a few years ago, that if there is such intense spiritual warfare around Christian marriages, and so many books and ministries to help people stay married, why wouldn’t the enemy also be working to prevent marriages in the first place, especially among Christians.
Several years after I had the thought or revelation that perhaps there is also warfare against Christian marriage even before people get together, I discovered someone who agreed with me, and a Godly man who was teaching about the warfare that was coming against Christian singles!
“You are a beautiful, intelligent, competent, gracious and godly Christian. So why are you still single? There is a concerted demonic assault against godly families. One facet of that battle is to keep godly women [and men] from marrying.” Arthur Burk, Releasing Singles
While watching the Royal wedding in 2011, I knew it was time to form an online community, and gather a few women, and men, to pray for those of us who are not yet married. A month later, I met a beautiful, vivacious 40-something woman in London who worked at the fabulous church, Holy Trinity Brompton. She was telling me about the noticeable number of unmarried people in the church between the ages of 30-50. Catherine then shared a story with me to confirm that my hunch was correct. While working at the church one day, she saw a person standing outside the church, just hanging around, and with her warm hospitably, Catherine offered her assistance. The out-of-place person said, “I am a Satanist, and we are praying against Christian marriages.”
The women in the church begin each new year with 40 days of praying a blessing on 10 men each. The women of HTB blessing the men in their community, so they will be strengthened to come into the fullness of their destinies.
A month after hearing that story, and my incident with the pilot, this blog, and one day a book of declarative prayers for marriages was conceived, one day at a time, one email at a time, for forty days.
From the women of Holy Trinity Brompton, and their prayers of blessings for the men, let's pray and declare out-loud (Colossians 1:9-13) for all the men in your life:
- We declare that the men in our lives, and the men God has chosen to marry His girls, will be filled with a knowledge of God’s will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.
- We declare that they will live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way.
- We declare that they are strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that they may have great endurance and patience.
AMEN!
Expecting to be amazed ~
Barbara
© Barbara Nelson – 2013
